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WIT & WISDOM - August 20, 1998 ~~~~~~~ THOUGHTS: Whatever you are, be a good one. - Abraham Lincoln [1] ~~~~~~~ SPECIAL THOUGHTS: "The devil has four chief servants - 'There's no danger,' 'Only this once,' 'Everybody does it,' and 'By and by.'" - Sherman A. Nagel, Signs of the Times, May 1924 [2] ~~~~~~~ THIS & THAT: This is an excerpt from a Mike Royko article published the Sacramento Bee. Something he found in his backlog of e-mail he found when he returned from his vacation. It's called "Worst Analogies Taken From High School Papers." He doesn't know who sent it or who put it together. But it appears to be something some English teacher or teachers compiled in Maryland. He doesn't know if it's legit or not but suspects it is, since it's harder to write awful analogies than good ones. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Unknown) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open. (R. M., Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (R. B., Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (P.S., Silver Spring) From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (R.A., Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (C. S., Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (R. B., Springfield) Bob was perplexed, as a hacker who means to access T:fly.quid55328.co-maaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (K.K., Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) He was as tall as a 6-foot 3-inch tree. (J. B., Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (G. F., Hevel, Silver Spring) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (R.B.I., Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (J.R. Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (W.G., Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (P.K., Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Unknown) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (B.F., Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (C.S., Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick red Crayola crayon. (Unknown) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Unknown) [3] ~~~~~~~ KEEP SMILING: A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." [4] ~~~~~~~ TRIVIA: Sherlock Holmes' fictional address in London was 221B Baker Street. The corporation who now does business at 221B Baker Street employs a full time secretary to answer all the letters that come there addressed to Sherlock - around 1,000 per year. Around 800 of these letters will be from Americans, and nine out of ten visitors to Sherlock Holmes landmarks - such as Scotland Yard and Charing Cross Station - are Americans. - Trivia Time, by Janet Spencer ~~~~~~~ CONTRIBUTORS: [1] (Frank Morris' "Be Thankful It's Monday" popu70@rev.net) [2] (Dale Galusha http://www.pacificpress.com/signs) [3] (Bettie Snyder & Alice Bryan) [4] (Daily Humor (http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Acres/1029/Jokes.htm) |