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WITandWISDOM(tm) - July 1, 1999 ~~~~~~~ THOUGHTS: You should not confuse your career with your life. - Dave Barry (Diana Robinson via E-zine: DAILYQUOTE c1999 http://www.dailycast.com) ~~~~~~~ SPECIAL THOUGHTS: "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." - Mother Teresa (Kitty's Daily Mews ~~~~~~~ THIS & THAT: When I retired from the military, I was too lazy to work and to nervous to steal; so, not knowing what else to do, I decided to go to college, earn a teaching certificate, and teach handicapped children. After twenty years in the Air Force, I thought I would feel more comfortable with these kind of people than with anyone else. As graduation neared, I dressed up in my ten-year-old suit, got into my fifteen-year-old car, and drove to a nearby school and applied for a job. Other than my expressionless face, bushy eye brows, and wide-apart eyes I do not know what I did right, but I did get the job with the understanding I would graduate and provide them with a legitimate teaching certificate. Six months later, I was ready to set teaching on fire. I had underwear older than most of my colleagues, so I thought I had the world by the tail on a downhill drag. I would show them and all those youngsters how teaching was supposed to be done. The first day on the job, I went to the school early to make final preparations, but the building was empty. The door was unlocked, but the few flourescent lights in the hallway gave everything an eerie look. I did not know what to do or where to go, but I did find an unlocked, empty room. I walked in, sat down, opened my briefcase, and began playing with my executive toys and brown bag lunch. Suddenly, the door opened. I looked up and saw a rather large woman standing in front of me silhouetted by the hallway lights. Without so much as a "Welcome" she stared at me for a few moments before asking, "Are you new here this year?" I told her I was and that I was waiting for the staff to arrive. Without seeming to either hear or understand what I said, she asked, "Are you nervous?" The question seem irrelevant, but I told her after a year in Vietnam I thought I could stand anything, but I did not think I was nervous. "Well,"she replied, "I was wondering why you are sitting in the women's restroom eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich." (Larry Brotherton via E-zine: JOKES EVERY DAY Mailto:jokesubscribe@jokeseveryday.com) ~~~~~~~ KEEP SMILING: The story is told of a day when Queen Elizabeth had the Duke Of Edenbourgh over for a cup of tea. The conversation turned equestrian and the Queen was telling the Duke about her new prize horse. After a spell of ranting and raving over this horse the Duke said, "Well, then, let's see this fine animal!" So the Queen and the Duke went over to the stables to admire the horse. At one point the Queen walked around the horse, just as it let out an earth trembling belch, with a smell that. . . let's just say it would take a few boxes of tic-tacks for this one. The Queen turned a bit red and said, "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that!" "Oh, that's quite alright," the Duke replied, "I had thought it was the horse!" (E-zine: LAUGH-A-LOT! Mailto:laughalot-owner@laughalot.com) ~~~~~~~ TRIVIA: WHAT'S IN A NAME? Soccer legend Pele's real name is Edson Arantes do Nascimento. Rita Hayworth's real name was Margarita Cansino. Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy. (E-zine: Today's Useless Facts Mailto:Useless_Facts-subscribe@listbot.com) |