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WITandWISDOM(tm) - October 28, 1999 ~~~~~~~ THOUGHTS: Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life. - Chinese proverb (E-zine: NEW-DAILY-QUOTE Mailto:new-daily-quote-subscribe@onelist.com) ~~~~~~~ SPECIAL THOUGHTS: During the American Revolutionary War a man named Wildman, of Ephrata, Pennsylvania, earned a bad reputation for his verbal abuse of Peter Miller, pastor of the Dunker church in the same town. Subsequently Wildman enlisted in the Continental Army. While he was still in the service he was discovered to be a spy. He was tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged. Miller heard about the sentence. His heart was touched. He walked 60 miles to Philadelphia to intercede on Wildman's behalf. When he made his plea before General George Washington, the general replied, "I am sorry, but I cannot grant your request to spare your friend's life." "But sir, he's not my friend," explained Miller. "He's my worst enemy." "You mean you walked 60 miles to plead for the life of your enemy? That puts the matter in a different light. Your request is granted." Washington signed a pardon and gave it to Miller, who walked another 15 miles to where Wildman was awaiting execution. When Wildman saw Miller coming, he sneered to some of his fellow convicts, "There comes old Pete. He came to see me hanged." Hardly had Wildman said this than Miller pushed his way through the crowd and handed the condemned man the pardon. - "Sure As The Dawn," By Mansell & Mansell ~~~~~~~ THIS & THAT: If they wrote a help wanted ad for the job of parenting . . . who would have the courage to apply? JOB DESCRIPTION Long term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in and often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organization skills and be willing to work variable hours, which include evenings, weekends, and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight traveling required including camping trips to primitive sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES Must prove on-the-site training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating conflict resolution and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box because you will most likely need it for a school project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive a motor vehicle safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolutions. Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporally until someone needs $5.00 to go skating. Must be willing to bite your tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in 3 seconds flat, in case this time the screams from the backyard are not someone just calling wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars, and co-ordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and production safety testing of a half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic, entrepreneurial spirit because fund-raising will be your middle name. Must have a diverse knowledge, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities, also, include floor, maintenance, and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTIONS: Virtually none! Your job is to remain in the same position for years without complaining,constantly retaining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you. PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continual, exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could do more. BENEFITS: While no health and dental benefits, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered, limitless job supplies, opportunities for personal growth, and free hugs are for life is you play your cards right . . . . (E-zine: FUNNY PAGES MAILING LIST Mailto:subscribe- funny-pages@lyris.net) ~~~~~~~ KEEP SMILING: LINES TO GET OUT OF JURY DUTY I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him I think laws are for sissies. Would I have to bathe? Can each of my personalities vote in the deliberation? My religion specifically prohibits me from sitting near other people. I get dizzy if I try to weigh evidence. (E-zine: KEITH'S MOSTLY CLEAN HUMOR Mailto:maiser@mail.otherwhen.com?body=subscribe%20mchawlist%0d%0aexit ) ~~~~~~~ TRIVIA: What is Your Body Worth? (The chemical analysis of the human body) Iron to make a 3 inch nail Sulphur to kill all fleas on an average dog Carbon to make 900 pencils Potassium to fire a toy cannon Lime to whitewash a chicken coop Fat to make 7 bars of soap Phosphorus to make 2,200 match heads Sugar for 10 cups of coffee Water to fill a ten gallon tank (E-zine: TODAY'S USELESS FACTS Mailto:Useless_Facts-subscribe@listbot.com) |