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WITandWISDOM(tm) - September 18, 2002 ISSN 1538-8794 ~~~~~~~ THOUGHTS: "There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes." - William John Bennett Source: The Funnies, http://groups.yahoo.com/group/andychaps_the-funnies ~~~~~~~ SPECIAL THOUGHTS: A SUMMER PARABLE Now it came to pass that, as the time of vacation drew near, a certain member of the church bethought himself of cool streams where fish were found, and his children thought of sandy beaches by the sea, and his wife thought of the mountains. And this church member spoke and said: "Lo, the hot days come and my work lieth heavy upon me. Come, let us depart and go where fishes do bite, and where the cool winds bring refreshment and the land is beautiful about us." "Thou speakest words of wisdom," said his wife. "Yet three, nay, four things must we do ere we go." "Three things I think of, but not a fourth," said her husband: "That we ask our neighbors to minister unto our flowers, that we arrange for our grass to be mowed and watered, that we have our mail forwarded; but no other thing cometh to my mind." "The fourth is like unto the other three, but greater than all," said his spouse, "even this, that thou dig into thy purse and pay the church pledge, in order that the good name of the church may be preserved, that heart of the treasurer may be glad, that the minister mayest be joyful, and that it may be well with thee. For verily I say unto thee, thou hast more money now than thou wilt have when thou doest return." And the husband replied, "Verily, Wife, thou art noble and wise among women." And he did pay his pledge for the summer, and the minister and treasurer rejoiced greatly, saying, "Of a truth, there are those who care for the good of the church." And it was so. Source: Spiritual Uplift, mailto:ed548@yahoo.com?subject=Subscribe_to_Spiritual_Uplift ~~~~~~~ THIS & THAT: LIVING IN OHIO... After more than two decades of living in Ohio, I know how to be an Ohioan. While I was learning, written guidelines would have been helpful. So I've written some to assist others. 1. Know the state casserole. The state casserole consists of canned green beans, Campbell's cream of mushroom soup and dried onions. You can safely take this casserole to any social event and know that you will be accepted. In fact, Neil Armstrong almost took this casserole to the moon in case he encountered alien life there. NASA nixed the plan out of concern that the casserole would overburden the Apollo rocket at liftoff. 2. Get used to food festivals. The Ohio General Assembly, in an effort to grow bigger offensive linemen, passed legislation years ago requiring every incorporated community to have at least one festival per year dedicated to a high-fat food. Thus, Sugarcreek honors Swiss cheese, Bucyrus has a bratwurst celebration and Gahanna, seeking an edge over other towns, has recently introduced the Triglyceride and Low-density Lipoprotein Festival. It is your duty as an Ohioan to attend these festivals and at least buy an elephant ear. 3. Know the geography. Of Florida, I mean. I've run into Ohioans who couldn't tell you where Toledo is but they know the exact distance from Fort Myers to Bonita Springs. That's because all Ohioans go to Florida in the winter. Or plan to when they retire. Or are related to retired Ohioans who have a place in Sarasota. We consider Florida to be the Lower Peninsula of Ohio. 4. Speaking of Ohio weather . . . Wear layers or die. The thing to remember about Ohio seasons is that they can occur at anytime. We have springlike days in January and wintry weekends in October. April is capable of providing a sampling of all four seasons in a single 24-hour period. For these reasons, Ohio is the Layering Capital of the World. Even layering, however, can pose danger. Golfers have been known to dress for hypothermia and end up dead of heat stroke because they couldn't strip off their layers of plaid fast enough on a changeable spring morning. 5. Don't take Ohio place names literally. Upper Sandusky is below regular Sandusky. Circleville is square. East Liverpool has no counterpart to the west. Also, if a town has the same name as a foreign capital..... Lima or Berlin, for example...... you must not pronounce it that way lest you come under suspicion as a spy. Hence, it's not LEE-ma as in Peru, but LYE-ma as in bean. 6. Become mulch literate. Ohioans love mulch and appreciate its subtle differences. Learn the difference between hardwood, cypress and pine bark at a minimum. Researchers think the state affinity for mulch derives from its relatively flat terrain. People have a subconscious need for topography, and when it can't be supplied naturally, they are more likely to make little mulch hillocks in their front yards. 7. Be knowledgeable about sports. In order to talk sports with obsessive fans in Ohio, you have to be knowledgeable on three levels - professional, college and high school. The truly expert Ohio sports fan knows not only the name of the hotshot quarterback at Abercrombie and Fitch High School, but also what colleges he's interested in, how much he bench-presses, who he took to the prom and what he got on his biology quiz last week. 8. About trends . . . Remember that Ohioans are never the first to embrace trends. When we do embrace them, we do so with a Midwestern pragmatism. For example, if you see an Ohioan with a nose ring, there's a good chance he's had it undercoated to guard against rust. 9. How to sell things . . . The best way to sell something in Ohio is to attach the term "Amish" to it. The product need not be genuinely Amish. This would explain the existence of Amish moo shu pork. I hope you found this guide to be useful. If it offends you, please let me know. I will bring a green-bean casserole to your house to make amends. Author Unknown Source: Monday Fodder mailto:dgaufaaa@iohk.com?subject=Subscribe_Monday_Fodder ~~~~~~~ KEEP SMILING: Julia, I miss our phone calls ... it seems like ever since you got Caller ID you're never home." - Steve Martin Source: Peter's Pearls, http://www.peterspearls.com.au ~~~~~~~ TRIVIA: Here is how life in the United States has changed over the past 15 years: Part 1 of 2 [Sep 18, 19] Number of consumer magazines with "fit," "fitness," or "health" in the title: Then: 9 Now: 17 Number of health-club memberships: Then: 17.3 million Now: 33.8 million Number of states in which 15 percent or more of the population is obese: Then: 0 Now: 49 Chance that someone has been diagnosed with a food allergy: Then: less than 1 in 100 Now: 1 in 20 Source: Health, July/August 2002, http://www.health.com |