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~~~~~~~ WITandWISDOM™ - April 5, 1999
"The winds and the waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators." - Edward Gibbon
(E-zine: INSPIRATION A DAY! Mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org)
~~~~~~~ SPECIAL THOUGHTS:
Charles H. Spurgeon told of a young preacher who asked an elderly minister for his opinion of a sermon he had preached when the older gentleman had been one of the congregation to which he had spoken.
"A very poor sermon, indeed!" was the reply.
"A poor sermon!" exclaimed the young man; "it took me a long time to prepare it."
"Ah, no doubt of it!" And then the older man said that while the discourse had merit as a lecture, it was not a good sermon because "there was no Christ in it."
"Well!" was the reply, "Christ was not in the text."
"Don't you know, young man," the venerable minister said, "that from every town and every village and every hamlet in England, wherever it may be, there is a road to London, the center? And so, from every text in Scripture there is a road to the center of the Scriptures, - that is, Christ. And, my dear brother, your business is to say when you get a text, 'Now, what is the road to Christ?' and then preach a sermon running along the road to the great center, Christ." By T. Darley Allen, Signs of the Times, January 28, 1930
~~~~~~~ THIS & THAT:
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM THE AMERICAN PRAIRIES WHEN:
- you only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup
- you design your Halloween costumes to fit over your snowsuit
- the mosquitoes have landing lights
- you have more miles on your snowblower than your car
- you have 10 favorite recipes for deer meat
- you thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
- the Tire Store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
- you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground
- you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
- driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow
- you think everyone from the city has an accent
- you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons
- you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
- the local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports
- at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant
- the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun
- your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
- you think the start of deer season is a national holiday
- you head south to go to your cottage
- you frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck
- you know which leaves make good toilet paper
- the mayor greets you on the street by your first name
- there is only one shopping plaza in town
- the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making
- you find -40C a mite chilly
- the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
- you can play road hockey on skates
- you can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away
- shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout
- you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Not Winter and Almost Winter
~~~~~~~ KEEP SMILING:
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! . . . Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
(E-zine: BILL'S PUNCH LINE http://www.tcmr.com/billspunchline.html)
TWO-POUND BAGS OF ZOOM FOR SALE
WhiteBoard News for Wednesday, November 04, 1998
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - The Philadelphia Zoo isn't letting the animal waste go to waste.
The zoo is peddling fertilizer compiled from its two elephants, two hippopotamuses, three rhinoceroses, three giraffes, four zebras and five camels.
Named ZOOM -- the "M" stands for manure -- the animal droppings are being snatched up by plant lovers at a cost of $2.95 for a two-pound bag. The Philadelphia Zoo is joining other zoos around the country that are enjoying some sweet success with animal droppings.
Zoo keepers estimate that they pick up about 600 pounds of excrement daily -- just from the elephants. When all the animals are put together, the amount of dung reaches into the thousands of pounds.
"Goodness knows we have an endless supply. That'll never end," Maisie Barlow, who runs the zoo's retail business, said Tuesday. http://www.joeha.com/whiteboard
(E-zine: KEITH'S MOSTLY CLEAN HUMOR Mailto:KSullivan@worldnet.att.net)