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WITandWISDOM(tm) - February 7, 2000

~~~~~~~ THOUGHTS:

Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job. - Bits & Pieces, October 14, 1993

(Magazine: BITS & PIECES http://www.epinc.com/ )


- Author Unknown

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastor's reply. "This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say.

"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked.

"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The woman went on to explain to the pastor.

At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing, her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He then told the people what the woman had said shortly before she died.

"In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork'. It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming . . . like velvety chocolate cake or deep dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance! So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder ‘What's with the fork?'. Then I want you to tell them: ‘Keep your fork . . . the best is yet to come.'"

(Janet Stevens)

~~~~~~~ THIS & THAT:

What to say to solicitors who telephone during dinner or in the middle of a riveting TV show peddling sides of beef, municipal bonds, aluminum siding, computer software or whatever:

The police photographer is still here, and the county medical examiner hasn't released the body to the coroner yet. Can you call back a little later?

You called at the right time. I'll order carloads of whatever you got just to restore my credit rating. The bank goes bananas over one little bounced check or two.

I'm sorry, the taxi is at the door right now. We're heading off on a 90 day world cruise aboard the Empress of Bermuda.

Well, you'll have to send the stuff to my new address. As of next Wednesday, it'll be: care of the warden, maximum security wing, Attica Correction Facility, Attica, N.Y.

I'm afraid you have the wrong number. This is a funeral home or what we like to call a counseling chapel for the bereaved. Visiting hours are from 2 to 5 and 7 to 10.

I'm gonna have to put you on hold. The baby is due any minute now. Quick someone, get some hot water. Lots of it. Sorry, gotta hurry now, don't go away.

Oh, it's you again. I was hoping you'd call back. The better business people said I need more positive identification to file my complaint. Now first let me have your name and telephone number. Hello? Hello?

Well, if this ain't the living end. The furniture is out on the sidewalk; the sheriff's auction is about to begin and you want to sell me a freezer full of prime beef. Keep talking. I can dream, can't I?

The dog just died and I'm so glad to have someone to talk to . . .

(E-zine: KITTY'S DAILY MEWS Mailto:kittysdailymews- subscribe@topica.com)


Putting humor aside, what I have found that really works is to interrupt by saying, "Please take me off your telephone list." They stop immediately and say good bye. . . every time. - Richard :o)


A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

(E- zine: HUMORG Mailto:Judib@mgram.com)

~~~~~~~ TRIVIA:


The address where Mrs. O'Leary's cow presumably kicked over a lantern, starting the Chicago fire in 1871, is now the address of the Chicago Fire Academy.
When the state fire marshal sent an investigator to seven fire stations in Manchester, New Hampshire, 256 fire safety problems were found. The previous year one of the city's oldest fire stations burned down while the crew was out on a call.
The Cairo Opera House was destroyed by fire in 1970. It was rather ironic considering the Cairo fire station was located inside the same building.
Linseed oil soaked rags burst into flames spontaneously late one night in a restaurant in Alameda, California. The heat from the fire popped the tops on the bottles of ten cases of beer. The suds doused the flames.

(E-zine: GAGLER'S TRIVIA OF THE DAY Mailto:signuptrivia@gagler.com)

WITandWISDOM™ Copyright © 1998-2000 by Richard G. Wimer - All Rights Reserved
Any questions, comments or suggestions may be sent to Richard G. Wimer.