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WITandWISDOM(tm) - April 14, 1998 THOUGHTS: A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. - Harry Truman (Shared by INSPIRE http://www.infoadvn.com/inspire/) SPECIAL THOUGHTS: HUG By Richard Wimer, Coypright (c) 1998 I thank you God that I can be a father. I cherish the hug from my son or daughter. I pray my Dear Father that in some small way You will feel my love as I hug you today. THIS & THAT: TAX DEDUCTIONS I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE - Part 1 of 2 by Joni Hilton in Family Circle - All money lost while playing Monopoly (double if lost to one's teenager, for "humiliation compensation"). - All money spent on chocolate (which act as an antidepressant and should be a deductible medical expense). - $10 for every cookbook you own beyond the three you really use. - $100 for every day your life had been turned upside-down as workmen overrun you home doing a remodeling job. (Call it "workers' comp," even though there's no compensation large enough for this special kind of suffering.) - $25 per minute for listening to any explanations or promises by a politician during an election year (call it an "entertainment deduction"). - $50 for every diet you have tried this past year that didn't work) a new kind of "capital gains" deduction). - School materials fee, if the only thing your child learned this year was the Batman version of "Jingle Bells." - Gas and travel expense for attending important one-day-only sales. - Cost of any horn or drum lessons for your kids, during the first six years of study (additional $5 earplug and aspirin deduction). - The cost of your husband's exercise equipment that he never uses ($10 per pound of equipment, plus $10 per pound of husband). - $100 for all worthless items purchased at a garage sale, which you them have to unload at your own sale. - $50 per missed message when the answering machine, through no fault of your own, fails to convince callers to leave their names and numbers ($500 if you finally give up and sell your machine at that garage sale). (Shared by Barbara Henry) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ In November in Annapolis, MD, during a celebration of Gregory Johnson's 32nd birthday, his cousin Darwin Derwood Coates, 21, tucked a .22-caliber handgun into the waistband of his trousers and accidentally shot himself in the groin. As guests tried to assist Coates, Johnson relieved him of the gun and stuck it in the most convenient place he could find, which was the waist-band of his own trousers. The gun fired again, striking Johnson in the buttocks. Both men were hospitalized. - Chuck Shepherd, Universal Press Syndicate - Moral? . . . Boys should not play with guns? TRIVIA: Yesterday's story in Wit & Wisdom about the hunters who shoot the bull is a true story. It happened to Mickey Mantle and Billy Martin when they were both with the Yankees. Mantle's friend allowed him to hunt on his ranch and asked Mantle to kill an old mule that needed to be put down. The farmer didn't have the heart to do it so he asked Mantle. As a joke Mantle told Martin the farmer wouldn't let him hunt there, so he was going to teach him a lesson. He went into the barn and shot the mule, then Mantle heard two shots. When Mantle came running out to see what happened, Martin told Mantle, "That'll teach him, I got two of his cows!" True Story! - Rev. Jerry Godsey |